And then...

…it was actually the Germans who came up with the idea of dropping an elephant out of a Hercules transport plane at three thousand feet – well, the Germans or the Swiss: at the time both offices tried to take the credit, and the ensuing fallout over exactly which set of maverick geniuses were responsible for dreaming up the premise for the ultimate viral video caused bad blood and snide remarks during international conference calls between Basle, Berlin, Lausanne and Frankfurt for months. Executives who’d previously been best friends fell out, golf games and skiing weekends were called off, wives were forced to snub each other at Europe’s best spa resorts and hair salons. Middle managers found themselves picking sides and developing secret handshakes and code words and initiation ceremonies, sharing stories about savage briefcase fights in underground car parks, the deliberate keying of Porsches, the incredible day that two vice-presidents went so far as to arrange a duel over the matter, the centuries-old rivalry and suspicion between their two countries demanding that only the spilling of blood would be sufficient to repair the damage done to honour, order and the proper way of conducting business by this… this slander! These lies! Apparently they got so far as to meet one frosty morning in a field just outside Zurich, seconded by junior executives and with a company doctor on hand, their weapons of choice something sleek and aspirational by Heckler and Koch (the only solution for today’s business leader in a tight spot), the whole thing ready to be relayed via webcam direct to the company intranet and from there onwards to the offices in Japan, Argentina, Italy, Belgium, Finland, the UK and, of course, Switzerland and Germany, capturing Klaus (or Hans, or Uwe) back-to-back with Uwe (or Hans, or Klaus) in matching DKNY two button suits lit just right by the watery sunrise, both of them fortified by a shot of really quite impressive brandy, corporate pride and the best sex they’d had with their wives in years, fingers on triggers, nine in the clip and feeling more alive than they could ever remember feeling in their careers…

In the event it was only the last minute arrival from head office of a black company helicopter carrying two heads of HR, some huge bonuses and a written declaration of truce – the clatter of its rotors scattering a flock of surprised birds into the dawn sky – that prevented things from getting really out of hand. And of course six months later they were at it again, only this time each country was insisting that the whole elephant debacle had in fact been nothing whatsoever to do with them, and had been entirely the fevered brainchild of those crazed madmen, those slightly-less ruthlessly efficient savages from the other side of the Rhine. Because by then absolutely nobody wanted to take responsibility for what had turned out to be one of the most shameful – and frankly ridiculous – episodes in the company’s short history…

By Owen Booth