Request for autumn/winter 2008 short story submissions

Shortfolio is currently looking for more 500-word short stories, following some amazing submissions over the summer.

So if you've got a short story hidden on your hard drive or floating around in the dark recesses of your mind, now's the time to send something in. Just email it to shortfolio@googlemail.com.

Happy writing...

A friendly conclusion

For those of you who have read A Friendly Rendezvous and Friendly Drinks by Mark Clarke, you can read the slightly lengthier short story that ties it the two together, A Friendly Conclusion.

Let's hope it all ends amicably...

Email from the author: Weighing in at close to a whopping 2,700 words, the conclusion to the 'Friendly' trilogy is more than five times the size of its forebears. Indulgent editing by Mr Clarke, or a necessity in terms of tying up all of the convoluted plot lines? Only one way to find out... Let me know what y'all think.

A Close Encounter

The Sidhar sat preening his elaborate moustache, staring out of the window in deep contemplation; his stature and girth took up most of the compartment. Perhaps he’s fifty five, I mused, though as strong as a bullock. He was a Sikh - a green turban and an officer’s insignia - probably of Pathan descent, those that vanquished the British and later repelled the Russians.

Suddenly he turned, ‘what country sir?’
'Ar British, good. I’m an officer in the Indian army. How do you like our India?’ He hardly gave you the chance to utter more than a few syllables before he started up again. Just then V, my travel partner, returned; quite a tall girl. His eyes shot out as he scanned her lithe torso, then addressing me, ‘she’s your wife?’
‘Yes,’ I acquiesced, unconvincingly; we kept up this charade in India.

Touching his moustache his eyes tracked V’s respiratory movements; V put on her dark glasses. His wife and teenage daughter entered the compartment, attired in colorful saris and dupatas. They began to fluster over their luggage. The officer lurched forward, dominating the frame, speaking confidentially, ‘we must look after the ladies, no pranks sir. I am just along the way with my fellows. If you’d care for a tot of whiskey …’

‘It’s only eleven,’ I managed to put in. With that he stood, stony faced, as if I’d insulted his honor. I noticed his short sword, a relic of Sikh gallantry.

Lord, he thinks he’s back in the Raj, I thought.

It was an Ac compartment, 3 tiers. We relaxed, lunch was served and we ordered an extra 300grammes of curd. V placed the curd on the upper bunk. We ate, and V went to wash up. The ladies reclined on their adjacent bunks, mother pulled her dupata over her head, for modesty’s sake, and they both snoozed.

I thought I’d take a nap myself. What combination of cognitive thought processes led me to commit such an act, I have as yet failed to deduce, though in future I will endeavor to be more considerate whilst in possession of viscous liquids on Indian railways. Placing one hand on the rail, I made an athletic leap onto the upper bunk.

The plastic bag of curd went, ‘bang!’ The curd shot up the wall, and spewed whey through the air like shrapnel. Quickly I took off my T shirt and mopped the bunk and wall. I then turned and looked below – horror of horrors – beloved daughter and mother, splattered with specks of curd. The Indian mutiny - Pathan tribes men charging into battle - stark images dashed before my eyes.

V returned, and we went into muffled peels of childlike laughter. Thankfully, the 2 ladies lay sound asleep; one strand of the girl’s fringe coated thick with curd. V saved the day, tentatively cleaning the ladies up as they moaned, and so enabling my head to remain intact.

By Steve Jones

Dawn and dusk

She had always loved getting up this early in the day. Before sunrise the world always seemed so different and so very, very quiet, like it was waiting for something to happen. She hardly ever felt sleepy at all when she got up this early. Preparing for a journey at this time always seemed to instil a hushed, business-like sense of purpose in people.

She knew that she wasn't meant to be excited but it just all seemed so much like an adventure. More so than it would have done had they all woken up at the right time of the morning.

'Did you remember to get your toothbrush, sweetheart?' her father asked her quietly, crouching down to her level in front of her to make sure of her attention. She nodded quickly.

The hushed voice that everyone put on at this time of day was another thing she liked about the time before sunrise. Everyone in the house was awake and busy gathering their things and yet they all moved carefully and hummed quiet conversation at each other only when necessary. It was as if they were already at grampa's bedside, afraid to disturb him.

'Good girl' her father said, absently touching her cheek, 'now don't forget to bring Claudia with you, it's going to be a long car ride.'

'Ok Daddy' she said quickly and ran back up the stairs to fetch her doll from beside the bed where Claudia had fallen after her father had woken her up. His voice had been all tired and sad. She hoped that they would start travelling before the sun came up. She always loved to watch the sun come up and she always saw it best from the car.

As she carefully made her way back down the stairs, step by step, with Claudia, she was delighted to see that they were already getting into the car. They'd be on the road in plenty of time for sunrise.

'Are you ready sweetheart?' her father asked reaching to pick her up.

'Daddy, are we going to going to see Grampa?' she asked wrapping her arms around his neck. Her father sighed slightly and hugged her.

'Yes sweetheart,' he said even more quietly than before, 'we're going to see Grandpa.'

By Mark Clarke

How to sign up to Shortfolio by email

In four easy steps...

1. Click here to go to the Email Subscription Request form and follow instructions
   
2. Go to your email inbox and open the email from 'confirmations@emailenfuego.com'
   
3. Click on the link to confirm
   
4. Look out for your first Shortfolio story
   

Common questions
Q: I didn't receive an email from 'confirmations@emailenfuego.com'. Can you help?
A: It may be your email security settings. Check your 'Bulk' or 'Spam' folder. If you still can't find it, try signing up again - there's always a chance you've mistyped your email address.


Q: I've followed the instructions but I'm not getting my Shortfolio emails - any ideas?
A: They maybe going to your 'Bulk' or 'Spam' folder by mistake. Try adding Shortfolio's address to your email address book


Q: What if I decide I don't want Shortfolio emails anymore?
A: If you decide it's not for you, just click the 'Unsubscribe' link.


Q: How often will you send me Shortfolio emails?
A: We'll send you an email the day after a post has gone up. So, between 1-4 per month usually.

90 degrees north

My love affairs were starting to get out of hand. My love affairs, and my drinking. There was nothing for it but to run away to the North Pole.

Johansen and I surveyed the endless icy wastes. That was our job now. All the same, we often found ourselves overwhelmed with emotion. We would sit on our snowmobiles and weep at the immense, impossible snowy beauty of it all.

“Have some coffee”, Johansen said, handing me the flask, “it has brandy in it. Like always.”

He had left behind a wife and a six-month-old baby girl to come here, to the end of the world. The money was good and they were planning, eventually, to buy a house back in Sweden.

Dr Kristina Gjenistad stalked the corridors of Ice Station B. In her native Norway she was an Olympic cross country skier, a swimmer, a runner of marathons and ultra-marathons. Ice-bound now for six months of the year, her smooth, muscular thighs still strained to escape the limitations of her tight regulation uniform and carry her, stotting like a gazelle, off across the sea-ice.

I was a little bit obsessed with Dr Kristina Gjenistad. I wanted to make love to her on an ice floe while the aurora borealis crackled and whooped over our heads. I invented excuses to go to the clinic to see her.

“My hand’s a bit sore today”, I’d say, or “I’ve hurt my ankle”, or “do you need any more medical supplies?”

Unfortunately she’d seen my kind coming a mile off all her life and would have nothing whatsoever to do with me. She recommended aspirin, hot baths, and keeping off the affected limb. I argued that these things were of little use in cases of unrequited love, but she remained unimpressed.

Polar bears were reported. We posted a twenty-four hour armed guard. First thing every morning it was my job to go out and clear the rime that had gathered on the anemometers.

Through the dark months of February and March we played cards and drank and outside the wind screamed by at one hundred and fifty miles an hour in the interminable polar night. The temptation, sometimes, to just step outside and surrender oneself to the elements was acknowledged. We watched each other for the telltale signs and waited for the spring.

There were talks on scientific subjects, animal husbandry, literature. We discussed “The Arctic as Metaphor”. The Scandinavians used their block vote and the motion was defeated.

“I don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing here anymore,” said Johansen, as we watched the watery sun come up for the first time in three months. I took that as my cue to leave.

When I got back to England I wrote a book about my adventures and became moderately rich and famous. Your applause makes me feel better about myself, for a while.

It’s said the Inuit have no word for “memory”, but I saw nothing much to convince me either way.

By Owen Booth

Read Owen's other Shortfolio story - And then...

More useful sites for fiction writers

Automatic inspiration for writers
The blank page can be a scary. Get a head start with OneWord.com, a short story writing site that gives you an inspirational bon mot to begin with.

Got the story writing bug?
Another handy writer's resource is LanguageIsAVirus.com. As well as having useful things like writing prompts for the blocked or uninspired, it also allows you to post stories for feedback and/or posterity that are over 500 words.

There can be only one (sentence)
Also, for the truly succinct (or insufferably lazy) short story writer there's OneSentence.org. As the URL suggests, the challenge is to write a compelling short story in one sentence.

A teaser, part of the site's most popular story of all time (by 'ferdinandthebull'):

"When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie..." ...Read the end of the sentence on onesentence.org

The Watch

“A gift fro.”
“A gif.”
“A gift from heaven. Quit doing that!” Malcolm’s eyes were wide as he reached for the zipper on his back. “Crafted by God.”

Dangling the watch like a cat with a rat, Jack responded, “Heaven? So you’re talking about a cloud city, and a magic man who makes clocks? Probably a prototype developed by the CIA.”

“Yea,” I scoffed, “a billion-dollar prototype that happens to be at the bottom of the Atlantic. Hooray for homeland security! Your tax money at work.”

“Shut, the fuck, up!” he yelled back at me, muffled by his scuba mask, “maybe this is how the government is able to fool millions.”

Malcolm looked at me, rolling his eyes. “O jeez, here we go again.”

“The real question,” I asked, “is, why do we have this?”

“Luck.”
“Fate.”

Pausing for a second, the three of us started shouting.

“Maybe stop them from boarding the planes!”
“Invest in Apple!”
“Tell Dad we loved him.”

I laughed out loud, but began thinking. The things you could accomplish, the power, the possibilities…all running through my head as I looked at this little golden circle. Watching Jack and Malcolm I knew what was also flowing through their heads.

“Damnit” I whispered

Clenched in a fist, I hurled the abomination back to the ocean.

We heard a plop, the boat turned, and we went home.

By John Accarino

And then...

…it was actually the Germans who came up with the idea of dropping an elephant out of a Hercules transport plane at three thousand feet – well, the Germans or the Swiss: at the time both offices tried to take the credit, and the ensuing fallout over exactly which set of maverick geniuses were responsible for dreaming up the premise for the ultimate viral video caused bad blood and snide remarks during international conference calls between Basle, Berlin, Lausanne and Frankfurt for months. Executives who’d previously been best friends fell out, golf games and skiing weekends were called off, wives were forced to snub each other at Europe’s best spa resorts and hair salons. Middle managers found themselves picking sides and developing secret handshakes and code words and initiation ceremonies, sharing stories about savage briefcase fights in underground car parks, the deliberate keying of Porsches, the incredible day that two vice-presidents went so far as to arrange a duel over the matter, the centuries-old rivalry and suspicion between their two countries demanding that only the spilling of blood would be sufficient to repair the damage done to honour, order and the proper way of conducting business by this… this slander! These lies! Apparently they got so far as to meet one frosty morning in a field just outside Zurich, seconded by junior executives and with a company doctor on hand, their weapons of choice something sleek and aspirational by Heckler and Koch (the only solution for today’s business leader in a tight spot), the whole thing ready to be relayed via webcam direct to the company intranet and from there onwards to the offices in Japan, Argentina, Italy, Belgium, Finland, the UK and, of course, Switzerland and Germany, capturing Klaus (or Hans, or Uwe) back-to-back with Uwe (or Hans, or Klaus) in matching DKNY two button suits lit just right by the watery sunrise, both of them fortified by a shot of really quite impressive brandy, corporate pride and the best sex they’d had with their wives in years, fingers on triggers, nine in the clip and feeling more alive than they could ever remember feeling in their careers…

In the event it was only the last minute arrival from head office of a black company helicopter carrying two heads of HR, some huge bonuses and a written declaration of truce – the clatter of its rotors scattering a flock of surprised birds into the dawn sky – that prevented things from getting really out of hand. And of course six months later they were at it again, only this time each country was insisting that the whole elephant debacle had in fact been nothing whatsoever to do with them, and had been entirely the fevered brainchild of those crazed madmen, those slightly-less ruthlessly efficient savages from the other side of the Rhine. Because by then absolutely nobody wanted to take responsibility for what had turned out to be one of the most shameful – and frankly ridiculous – episodes in the company’s short history…

By Owen Booth

A Friendly Rendezvous

This post is a follow up by Mark Clarke to the popular Friendly Drinks story that he wrote for Shortfolio back in January this year...

Ok, so what now? The train is quite literally leaving the station. And so am I.

I've been thinking about this meeting for, like, the last five days now. I've been trying to decide what I want to say to him for five fucking days now and here I am, closing on these turnstiles, still as clueless as I was when...oh shit...where did I put that ticket?

Right, this is going to take a more thorough search than first thought so let's move out of this queue. Don't you sigh at me, you dick. How much of a hurry can you possibly be in that this six second delay to your day has put you out? Especially since you cruised up the escalators, you fat prick.

God I hate digging through this thing. How much of the crap in this handbag do I ever even use? Better safe than sorry I suppose. Oh, there it is. Right where I've never once put it before. That makes sense. I didn't even know it had that pocket.

Ok, take a breath, calm yourself, regain your composure. You're back on street level now and the pub's just round here - but I'll just take a seat here for a second. There's no rush. He's probably not even there yet and this is definitely not a scenario I want to approach without sufficient nicotine in my system.

Light, draw deep, exhale slowly...it's not helping even a little bit. How did I get myself into this situation? How do I always seem to get myself into this situation? I like him - that's not even the issue, of course I like him - but...but there's always that 'but'.

If only we could just go back, go back to when we just liked each other. Before...

'You got a light, sweetheart?'

'Uh, yeah, sure.'

This is as good a time as any to head on. I get my lighter back and head round the corner. There it is. Just head right in there now, suck it up.

It's not too busy, shouldn't be too hard to...there he is. And he's spotted me. No way out now. Do I want a way out? His eyes are wide and he actually gulped as he stood up to greet me. Good grief, who gulps nowadays outside of cartoons? God, he really can be adorable every now and then. I kiss him and step back, his voice cracks slightly;

'Hi' he warbles.

Ok, deep breath. Here goes.




By Mark Clarke

PS – I Love You…

‘There had been something about the bone structure,’ Rodgers mused, still immersed in a dream, ‘and the form of the eye wasn’t quite right.’

Light had already filled the room, as Rodgers woke. His eyes flickered rapidly, scanning the white ceiling. ‘Oh, the bill,’ he thought.

The foreign teachers’ Bangkok soiree had been destined to be - how had old Richards put it? - ‘a raucous evening!’ Richards, South African born, 60 odd but as straight as a rod, stern with a large lantern jaw, professor of Entomology, now teaching English to South East Asian kids. He’d arrived in Bangkok looking for the good life, and subsequently got ensnared and thoroughly fleeced by a young lady from the North East.

They’d started out at 6pm near the Phra Athit pier, quaffed an iced beer and nibbled a pungent salad. Rodgers talked about Muslim India and Moghuli cuisine, and Richards dwelt on bread. Thus they went in search of Muslim roti and settled for an aromatic Indian curry, thick nan bread and a carafe of dubious rouge.

‘That rancid gut rot, without doubt our undoing.’ Rodgers postulated, unable to move from the bed. It had been Rodgers intention to help Richards – a respite from the wife – not to get him into more trouble. Whilst pondering this a message came up on his phone:

Money, cards – all gone – R.

Rodgers put his hand over his eyes, ‘Oh my God – doubly fleeced.’

He recollected: after the wine they’d been to… ah yes, that antiquated karaoke joint – PS - I Love You – with the Elvis album covers on the wall and the half-dead clientele; just the place for Richards. Certainly, at the last sighting, he’d appeared to be occupied and thoroughly enjoying himself. The hostesses in ultra short miniskirts, were in no way antiquated; he’d left Richards in the grasp of one.

It all came back now, he’d left Richards and gone to the bathroom, thinking, ‘the bone structures all wrong.’ On leaving he’d tried to warn Richards, ‘it’s not a girl,’ but he’d been drowned out by an old Thai crooner wailing mournfully - ‘Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone’. And Richards had responded, ‘Don’t worry about the bill,’ and pushed him out of the door.

Rodgers had dozed in the taxi, but still felt obliged to sit for a nightcap before settling in. Then – at the corner bar near his new apartment – he ran into the gym instructors’ monthly binge, he offered to pay the bill, which was readily accepted. The bill was still waiting to be settled; Rodgers didn’t have enough to clear it the previous evening.

The phone rang – Richards – Rodgers switched it off, and turned over muttering, ‘Oh God, hope Monday never comes.’

By Steve Jones

Sylvie (And The Night I Met Your Mother)

Not surprised I feel a bit nervous.

Already I've made a mistake. Spent too long deciding whether to start with items of topical interest or dive straight into the introduction? I eventually decided to dive in with introduction just as the tram leaves the stop I should have got off at. So I`m late, but I`m here.

The agency said she'd meet me at the hotel and if she got there first she would be at the bar and would save me a place. Do a walk past… yes there she is, sitting there with her handbag saving the seat next to her. The only lady… a gloriously lovely single, single lady at a bar stuffed with men who should already be home for tea.

I walk towards her past tables and cubicles with anonymous men and a few anonymous ladies, some in couples but odd ones by themselves pretending to read or playing with their phones.

I`m here, be confident. Say who you are and things will develop… relax.

She sees me move towards the vacant space. Lovely lady moves her handbag and smiles.

“Hello, I’m Heinrich.”

“Hello.” So confident… but with a nice touch of hesitation.

“Hello, I`m Heinrich”…relax.

“I am so pleased to meet you. I am an administrator on the railways and until recently I looked after Mother but now I live by myself”.

She smiles. I hurry on.

“I'm not just an ordinary administrator. I administer all the trains in the south west sector. In good time I have expectations of being the administrator for at least two sectors, a job that would bring a car and a very good pension.”

OK…. a little rushed, but I was nervous. She looks at me… perfect blue (or possibly grey) eyes…I'm in love.

“Perhaps you could reciprocate (relax!) by telling me a little about yourself?”

“Your tables ready” says a man in a suit with a menu in his hand.

“Don't interrupt” was what I am about to say but the words catch in my throat and never make it.

“Thanks Marcel. I'll come through straight away…say hello to Heinrich. He works on the railways.” With that she picks up her drink and is off.

I look around. No one seems to notice me as every part of my being sweats, my skin glows and my chin drops to my chest. No one, that is, apart from the anonymous woman who'd been playing with her phone. She waves. I stand. My legs move. I walk towards her table.

She comes to meet me and holds out her hand. “My name is Sylvie. Are you Heinrich? There were no places at the bar, so I sat here but I have kept you a seat.”

I try to regroup. A hand touches my sleeve. Lovely lady tugs authoritatively. “They've put another seat at my table. I just love railways. Come and tell me exactly what you do.”

Sylvie stares…“Sorry my name's Albrecht,” I whisper.

By James Kruschev

A Little Walk

I check my bag and make sure I have the slip, even though I know it’s in there. I slam my way out of the house and turn left. I walk down our road. It smells of cat shit. There is a man with two kids walking in front of me. The two kids are skipping and they nearly get me in the eye with their ropes. I know it shouldn't make me angry but it did - just a little bit.

At the end of our road there is a pub called the Kings Arms. I have been in there a few times. I have drank cider with blackcurrant. It’s quite good in there; they sell cheese rolls and pork scratchings. Outside the pub there is an old man, the old man wears a sky blue baseball cap - probably from Marks and Spencer’s c1976. He is also wearing brown trousers that are rolled up to his knees. His legs are so thin I think that they might snap. I can't stop looking at his legs they are so skinny.

I do stop looking at the old man with the sky blue baseball cap and painful legs as there is a flyer on the pavement. Its neon pink so that’s probably why I am attracted to it. I bend down to have a read. Its advertising salsa classes and I wonder what me and the old man would look like dancing salsa together?

At the end of the road there are traffic lights with a Budgens on the right and another pub called Finnegan’s Wake on the left. I have been into Finnegan’s Wake before. I once went on a date with an Australian boy called Sam. We sat by the toilets so that wasn't very good. He was quite dull actually so it didn't go so well. Although we did kiss outside afterwards, well I guess it would have been rude not to.

So at the lights I cross straight over and I am now on a green. I stop at a bench and check my bag for the slip - its still there. I see my cigarettes and think I may as well sit and have one of those. I am watching the cars and hearing some birds. I am thinking about what it would be like to be one of those birds.

I finish the cigarette - which incidentally I didn't enjoy that much because I have a sore throat.
I go down the small road with speed bumps on. Last time I came down here I tripped over one of the bumps and fell on my knees. It was pretty embarrassing I can tell you - but - the good thing was no one saw me. I get to the blue door with a little window on and push. Inside I hand my slip though the glass window. The man takes it from me and gets my parcel. I take the parcel and say thank-you.

By Amy Hughes

Life lesson

7:56 am: On my knees pulling eggs forward and as always, doing the shit that was supposed to be done the night before. Cursing my night guy in my head, I was sure it was going to be a bad day from the start.

7:59 am: Can this day really start out this way? Why do they let the customers in so early! GOD I HATE THIS JOB! GOD I HATE THESE CUSTOMERS!

8:00 am: Still on my knees, I look down at the end of the isle, there she is, the kind of customer I hate the most, the early bird that thinks she is going to get the freshest stuff, fucking up my department already by pushing all the milk to one side so she can get that qt. of skim milk she is so sure has an expiration date of 6 months away! I can’t see her as she pushes her cart right at me, I can only see her ugly ankles and old lady shoes because she is so short. I try to come up with a name to describe the left wheel that is wobbling and squeaking. Le’ squabble? I chuckled to myself. I decide not to move and stay focused on trying to look like I’m doing something important with the egg, not wanting to stand up, I look forward, intently hoping not to be acknowledged. But that never happens; these old people just have to make a stupid remark. And, as sure as shit, I hear “Sir, can you hand me a container of Egg Beaters?”

Handing one backwards, without saying a word, I look straight ahead as if a chicken is going to pop out of the eggs! Then I hear those words I just love so much “These are $2.99 at Hillers Market and a $3.19 is too expensive for me on a fixed income”.

As she hands them back to me, I tell her to go to Hillers! (In my head) “I’m sorry Ma’am I don’t make the prices”.

Forced to turn around, I have to be polite and interact with her. Standing up, I tower over her, and looking down, I am shocked at how damaged her face is! Her mouth is all twisted and gross. I can’t get out of there fast enough! God is she messed up. I don’t say anything as I walk to the back room.

After a few minutes, my thought goes back to that ugly old lady, I come out of the back room and grabbed a container of Eggbeaters.

“Take this free of charge” I say. “We might be a bit more expensive on this, but they don’t have me working there and I’m worth the extra money!”

As she looks at me, she manages to force a smile. “Thank you. You’re a very kind man.”

Out of nowhere I respond with “Partakalo.”
“How do you know I’m Greek?” she asks. “Do I know you?”
“No, you don’t know me but I know you” I say.

Standing there looking down on her, I look into her eyes, and, as my own fill with tears, I hug her and whisper, “I think you’re a wonderful and beautiful person.”
Her eyes fill with tears. We don’t say anything as I put her items in a bag and the cashier finishes ringing her up.

As she is leaving we hug again and I kiss her on her beautiful cheek. She says, “I will never shop at Hillers no matter what the cost!”

I walk back to the cooler and hide in the corner so no one will see me cry. I feel so ashamed for hating that customer.

The cashier comes looking for me, “John, that old lady told me to tell you that you are an angel and she will never forget your kindness. How do you know her?”

I don’t really know her, but I know of her. About 3 months ago, she was on television and they were doing a special on her and her life.

She was a little girl about 12 when the Germans invaded her island. The Island of Crete. She was living in a rural village when a group of German solders came through and terrorised her family. Her mother and sister were raped and killed. Her father was killed also. She was raped and shot point blank with a shotgun in her face and kicked into a ditch to die. After 4 days of lying in the ditch, she was found still alive.

She lived with family members never dreaming any one would want to marry her with such a disfigured face. She was wrong. She married a wonderful man and raised several children.

As the cashier walks away, I think to myself, God I love my job! God I love my customers!

By John McCarthy

Shoes - a novel extract

The first thing I think about about are my shoes. My first pair of heels I bought when I was fifteen. Looking at my fourteen year old sister I realise that I was a little late in life in purchasing the wooden pink strappy wedge which cost all of fifteen euro in a rickety old shoe store on dun laoire's george's street, but wow was I in love with them. I'd wear them to weddings in foxrock, the disco down in donnybrook, and inappropriately the funerals down in deansgrange. Then came the glittery, shiny, patent ones from River Island or New Look, when I first started making the 'big bucks' working in the café. With these shoes I discovered my fondness for Bourjois pretty fuchsia toe polish and my hatred for those water drains which seemed to occupy most of D'Ollier Street late at night. However, when turned twenty-one, when I got my first cheque and saw four figures, I was up with the big guns. It was then when I discovered New York. New York was where I became the Tony Soprano of shoes. My target, Blahnik on 54th street, Louboutin on Madison Avenue and Jimmy Choo on fifth Avenue. These names would strike fear in the heart of any true shoe mobster. My unhealthy collection of suede boots, peep toe stilettos, floral wedges, delicately beaded kitten heels sat back in my Central Park West apartment, mourning my departure in my maple wardrobe. The thought of it brings me back down to reality. Mourning my departure? When would I return? I glance around the bright lime green room with floral curtains and a 12 inch black TV, and realise that I don't know when I'll return to ever wear those shoes again. As my mother returns, humming what sounds like a gospel song and holding two coffee cups, I voice these concerns to her.

'But darling of course you will wear shoes again.' She says with a duhhhh quality to her voice.

'Yes but mum,' I protest. 'These particular shoes, they're….' and pause to catch a breath, 'Indescribable'.

'Don't be silly Sophie who looks at shoes?' she places one cup on my overbed table, I look at it then look away.

'Exactly! Who will look at my shoes with bars of metal around me and two wheels where my ass used to be to distract them.' I sigh, heavily. 'So really, mum there is no point. I wont wear them again.'

My mother's everlasting smile starts to fade and with a pursed mouth she says firmly as if trying to convince herself, 'You will wear them again.'

'Yes but I'll never walk in them again.' I mutter but its too late the smile has returned to my mother's face and she's gone, lost in 'To God be the Glory' or something to that effect. I prop myself up on my elbows further up the bed to look out the window. God I hate being home, clouds are constantly grey over here. Grey should be the colour of Ireland, not green.

'And honey,' she interrupts her humming to look at me with wide eyes. 'Could you not say ass next time please, love, how about bum?' she suggests, with full sincerity. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, I say repeatedly in my head which makes me remember my sister when she was younger. She would discover new curse words, when I was still living at home and would scream them from the top of her lungs. Words like 'Bitch' and 'Ass' would be screamed every odd week followed by a stern telling off. But my sister always had a swift reply like 'What? I'm talking about a female dog.' or 'Ass, that's another name for a donkey you know.' Now that I think of her I wonder where she is today. She's normally in to me everyday after school. Those curses from her have become a regular occurrence, minus the explanation.

By Jeramae Mac Mahon